nice people

i've decided why chicago is a superior city. we have good people here. it's colder than poland these days (inside joke... but seriously), and getting cars our of snow is something anybody who owns a car in the city (and the suburbs i hear) is something of a task. luckily i had the worst of it on friday right when we got all the snow. i had the worst day ever dog walking because i kept getting stuck. at one point i got stuck in a dead-end turn-around, but i had a good samaritan help push me out. unfortunately almost immediately after i parked and a snow plow came and buried my car so i spent another 15 minutes re-digging it out. but with all of the cars in need of help, there seems to be good samaritans all over the place!

chicagoans are just nice people, and we're all in it together. we know it! annie spent an hour and a half digging her car our, and some random person stopped to help. another car got stuck trying to park in front of our building, and we tried to help push him out (not successful sadly) but the stuck guy let another car literally push his car with his own car out of the spot. things like this are happening all over. i love it.

people really are friendlier here. of course there are assholes everywhere, but i stand by my city.

-2 degrees

today was a funny day. i of course feel the need to finish my christmas shopping on the coldest day so far of the year. the thermometer in my car never went above -1 degrees, and hovered back and forth between -2 and -1. at one point it even hit -3.

bloody marys at the Rail were the highlight of the afternoon. they hit the spot and i had some good company :-) though i'm thinking now that the bloody marys, a couple fries and some fruit were the majority of eating i've done today. oh and i had some popcorn! hmmm....

i also fear i am getting a cold. not good when i must work in the cold. it will sure feel good to be home in MI and not have to do a single thing but be social.

riddle me this...

if you didn't have to tell the truth, why would you??

i've never wanted divorce more in my entire life. my poor love-fool of a brother, this scares me away from marriage so much, yet i strangely i find myself wanting a boyfriend... i haven't felt the "urge" in a while, yet i don't want to just date the next guy i see just because i'm a little lonely now and then. what to do, what to do....

meanwhile, Blizzard of Dec '08 is going on outside my window. who knew it was going to be this loud. geez... doesn't the weather know people are trying to sleep?? plus it totally cut down on quality Molly Losey time. we all ran to our cars at the first snowflake in fear of the snow warnings we've been getting since yesterday. meteorologists have no lives. seriously. i dont care about the weather, i care about dealing with the damage control the next day. no thank you mayor daley.

at least we'll have a white xmas... i know i'm prepared!!

what the hell, family?

for once in my life i am so pissed at family members that are not my parents.

offense #1... my brother discovered that his wife is having an affair. a full blown affair. the last we heard she confessed to seeing this guy but nothing had happened. but he found some pretty heinous emails, and so their marriage is ending.

she has no idea how this is going to effect her and how it effects everyone. she literally has two sides to her, sane and crazy. sane loves my brother and wants to stay married to him, but crazy doesn't love him and does everything she can to hurt him. so finally, the shit is hitting the fan.

offense #2... most of my extended family (aunts and cousins) like to judge us midwestern family members and then gossip about it. for example, my cousins looked at my facebook and saw that i was voting for obama, and then my aunt talked to my mom and told her about how bad it was that "all over my facebook" it said that i was voting for obama. one wouldn't think this was a bad thing, except that she said it with disgust, as if I (and my sister) was evil for for voting for obama.

i've known for years that they are an extremely judgemental and narrow-minded group of people, but this just takes the cake. families are supposed to love each other and support each other, and this is just insane. if anything, just accept it! they call themselves christians but they can't possibly love and accept anyone who doesn't share their thoughts?? it makes me sick.


i'm just so tired and emotionally drained by all of this, that i don't know what to do anymore. i need sleep. God send my brother peace and safety, and give me the power love despite these evils against me.

oh, future, where art thou?

so i was told a while back about this school called the Chicago Portfolio School, a graphic design and advertisement school. however in the past i've been so gung-ho for doing more of the contemporary art/ conceptual painting/ museum curatorial stuff, but lately i've been having doubts about those plans. i really really really want to get my MFA someday, but i'm not ready yet, and i need money. i need a job. therefore, perhaps being trained for a dependable job like a designer or art director is a smart way to go. plus i have no knowledge of the computer programs, or any graphic design experience, and i have to get that somewhere.

so i heard about the school from a friend who heard about it from a friend who heard about it from other graphic design professors, and they all had good things to say. and this school helps try to get you a job once the year is over! so a year from now i could potentially be looking at having a good full-time job i would enjoy.

it's not fine art, but it's creative. i'd stretch my brain in a different direction than i have before, and the modern world is going technologic, so it would be good to be a master of both the classic art of painting, as well as the world of photoshop!

so that's the plan. plus i can still get my MFA, just after i have some cash and experience under my belt.

wish me luck.

look! i post!

well we say the Lowly crew again tonight. it was nice. it brought back warm fuzzy feelings from the summer. i still need to get those tour pictures from Tim, that scoundrel. he even had me do merch tonight again... and i made some money!!

speaking of making money, walking the dogs isn't so bad in the cold. my good friend who goes to NMU got me a sweet discount on some winter gear, so i suit up every day in my north face jacket and merril boots, and i feel like a super star! i'm not sure how long i will be a dog walker, but at least it's been a good experience.

cold weather days

I find myself wondering about how the hell I'm going to make it through winter. I started this dog walking job in the late summer, understanding Chicago winters, but perhaps not thinking it all through. Not that I plan on working as a dog walker forever, but you do what you gotta do....

Halloween in in 2 days. We're throwing a party, and I'm pretty excited. I need to figure out the music and such... I'm going to be a viking, so I can rape and pillage at a whim. I dont think i'll have the fangs this dude has, or an axe/hammar. However, I do have a retractable dagger! It's pretty cool, I love stabbing people.

I also got a skull pinata for the party, though I'm not sure drunkin swinging at a pinata is good for our apartment. maybe I'll just fill it with candy and have a gaping hole in it.

Ooooooooohhhh can't wait!

I've gone to the dogs.

So the job search has twisted and turned and I've found myself down an interesting turn - dogwalking. it truly is a unique job, but after almost a full first-week, I'm really enjoying it. There are 10 dogs I take care of monday - saturday. and no, I dont walk all 10 at once, I go house to house walking one dog at a time (usually). 2 of the dogs live together so I walk them together. I think Macchiata used to be mad at me when I came home smelling like a dog-whore, but now I think she is ok with it. As long as I give her a good walk too.

I still am looking for another job, but what comes will come. Some of the stress is taken off, and it feels good.

In terms of my budding career as an artist is going slow as well, but you can see my art at Ann Sathers during the Andersonville Arts Weekend! October 3-5, though I'm going to try to cheat and put my art up earlier in the week, probably around Oct 1ish... Check out the website!

www.andersonville.org/artsweekend/

Come and enjoy.

party

so i decided today that if i get the big job i've applied for, i'm throwin' a party! i know i know, meredith throwing a party? that's unheard of! but yes, rest assured, it does happen, it will happen!

now if i don't get the job, then i think i should still throw a party, as to appear unscathed, even though i'll be on suicide watch on the inside (just kidding). in any case, a party should still be thrown to celebrate unemployment! for all of us out of college kids (and hey, college kids soon to be unemployed) who need to party our cares to the wind.

if it is a "i've got the job!" party, then i think it will be swedish themed. after all, i work for 2 different swedish american institutions. so be prepared. come in your finist blue and yellow get-up. or not.

friends can be let-downs

so milwaukee was fun... it wasn't as traumatic as i thought it would be. of course i became irritated with my family at many points, so i wasn't all that sad to ditch them at the ferry depot. from there i drove to craig's apartment west of the downtown. i pulled in, and there he was. he looked the same and yet very different... harsher than i remember, though i've gain weight since then so i'm like the chubby one now. but take it or leave it. i really wonder what was going on in that head of his, but i've been wondering that for 2 years now.

needless to say, we had a good visit. i still feel very comfortable with him; we've always gotten along well, it's never been awkward. i was incredibly nervous at first though, and i'm not totally sure why. i think part of it was revisiting all of those emotions again. the good was really good, and the bad was really bad. luckily, he admits he was an asshole, which i appreciate. and i gave him enough shit about it so i am fully satisfied with where we are now. after all, i'm sure both of us have grown up a heck of a lot, so you would think it would show.

even now, i still feel a tangle of emotions over him, and probably with my current situations, and even a pinch of me still wishes for those old days....



and yes, why did i title this entry so? instead of planning my life around boys or family, i somewhere along the way thought it would be a good decision to plan my life around my friends. but what let downs they can be! it make me envy those who live alone. perhaps, craig, i'll follow in your footsteps after all...

pre-milwaukee

So this weekend is going pretttty good. And the shit hasn't even hit the fan yet.

I'm going to milwaukee on monday with my brother and his wife, and i'm pretty excited. A) i get to spend time with my bro and his wife- who i absolutely love, she's so great. B) after i ditch my fam, i will meet up with craig... and "ex" who was an asshole back in the day, but who seems very friendly again. i can't quite think of why he would be so excited to see me, but hopefully it will turn out well.

I have to say, i'm even a little nervous for our reunion. he's an interesting guy, and all of my friend hate him because of his former duschebagness.. so much so that i'm ashamed to even say i'm going to see him when i'm in Milwaukee. But we shall see. I'll only be in Milwaukee monday night, so i'm thinking no matter what it should be pretty chill. we will hang out, see how much each of us has changed (or not...) and then part ways. it will be the perfect visit.

pitch a fork

i have to say, CocoRosie kind of soothes my soul, especially right now. i have just returned from my one and only day at pitchfork here in the city, and man what a day! it was a lot of fun, just extremely tiring. Caitlin and her bestie kate came up for the festival as a kind of post-birthday festation, so them, jerid and myself went down and mingled with the "indie" kids.

There were some great acts, !!! and Animal Collective where the most memorable, i even moshed a little bit here and there (my first time moshing!). the best was drinking the goose island IPA all day, starting about 1 or 2 pm. needless to say, by the time !!! got on, i was feeling my finest. sadly, i think i lost the most of my energy at that point so the rest of me moshed half-heartedly.

the moon is hanging so beautifully in the sky tonight, but my tired, dirty feet are thinking bed should come quickly, if not a little prematurely. Dylan M is in town tonight at Tor's, but i just don't have the energy! it's so sad.

i think tomorrow i may need a beach break after work. i've been hankering to get up to the loyola park beach ever since me and sarah "discovered" it... some metropolis coffee and a cat nap on the beach sounds like heaven right now.


good night moon
good night macchi
good night, coco and rosie.

el musica

man this blog is depressing... let's talk about something great: music!

life has been so musical lately. being on tour with Tim Lowly was of course a jam-packed music-fest, and it definetly has set the tone for life since. he played another show sunday night, and it was by far one of the best shows they've ever done. i had gotten so used to their tour sets that i kind of forgot what the whole band could actually sound like, and there was just something that night that clicked. they played at the elastic arts foundation, and the sound there was kick-ass... and maybe just the mood of the place helped too, but the whole band was really getting into the spirit and by the end of the show, the whole thing felt euphoric. plus tim has me, annie, and laura stand on the stage and "dance" for the encore since it was kind of like the closing show of tour.

we also made some more music friend this weekend. saturday annie and i went with ethan to see Controllar, and couple, Anat and Thomas, from amsterdam who kind of sounded like a fusion of radiohead and cocorosie, and their only instrument was a glove. they sounded awesome and it was such a unique experience to watch, plus they were just great people! they felt kind of like kindred spirits, so incredibly nice. they played again tuesday at Silvies, and i think they got a kick out of us being their instant groupies, haha... luckily they are coming back to chicago in august, so we will be able to hang out with them again before they go back to amsterdam. then after that i guess i'll just have to go to amsterdam to visit them. the sacrifices i have to make for friendship...lol...

this weekend we are celebrating Caitlin's birthday. she's coming with kate to chicago, and we're going to Pitchfork. i've heard good and bad things about Pitchfork, but there are some bands i'm really looking forward to seeing, and it's a good price for a music festival. plus it will be so great to see caitlin again, i've been missing all those kids. life after college is kind of lonely after all...

ok i must sleep now. i've consumed too much alcohol tonight to be still awake. though man could i go for a hot Dougs hot dog right about now....

Chiyo-ni

One of my many jobs is the Sweden Shop here in Chicago.  I've always like this job because it's laid-back and my coworkers and cliental are very pleasant.  

Today has started out as a rather slow Sunday morning, and after reading a short story from a book on the shelf ("Rose City" by David Ebershoff, very interesting), I spotted a card that I'd seen everyday I've worked here yet never really read.  It had on it a haiku by the Japanese poet Chiyo-ni:

Cool clear water

and fireflies that vanish

that is all there is...

I think maybe in my retrospective sadness of late, this haiku has reminds me of something that has been buzzing around my subconscious.  On tour, we would take walks in the darkness of whatever nature beauty we were around that day.  In a little town north of Syracuse, NY we were at the family farm of one of our band-mates.  We took a giant quilt (that traveled with us) out and we laid under the stars and watched fireflies - it was amazing.  Another night (or two) we walked around in complete night darkness, and throughout the landscape the fireflies glittered and it felt so mystical.  I caught fireflies as a kid, but for some reason they felt extra special to me on those dark tour nights.

Maybe it's the mystic of nature that has always fascinated me, maybe it is the fact that they seem to pop out of nowhere and shine for just a brief moment.  They seem to represent something for me, like some special proverb God is trying to hint to me... I can't explain it really...

"fireflies that vanish/ that is all there is..."

libra

so, i am a libra. my birthday is october 4, 1985, so i am a libra in the year of the bull. now i don't know what all this means, but i had a realization this evening. now before i explain it all, i must tell you about the recent revelation that everyone around me is a pices. and up until tonight, i was starting to feel a little left out because i was the only libra for miles. tonight it hit me that the meaning of libra is balance. my personality and being is meant to bring balance to the people around me so that there is a reasonable amount of peace and stability.

take the car ride home from tour; me stuck with 3 of the more intense personalities with us. i felt like fricken wendy with the lost boys. yet at the same time, because i am so not intense, i barely feel any intensity tension because i just laugh it off and poke fun.

my only question for the stars now is what happens when the balance becomes unbalanced?

tour

I recently went on tour with the Tim Lowly Ensemble, and it was such a great experience. I had almost no expectations about it before we left, and I was even getting a little nervous for it. But that fateful friday morning came and we all loaded up the little cars (an Echo and a Civic) and hit the road. First stop was Pittsburgh, which I am now convinced is my future home. We played a nice little show there, stayed the night at Danny B's place (poor guy had just gotten his wisdom teeth out!). Next stops were Warren, PA, Clinton/Syracuse NY, Boston, New York NY, Block Island RI, Washington DC, Philadelphia PA, and Forest/Bedford VA. Each place we played humble shows and were shown much generosity and hospitality. It was pretty exciting for me because I'd only ever been to Washington out of all our destinations. I was also the designated "merch girl" so my job was pretty simple, and we were able to fund all of our trip expenses using the profits from shows, which was pretty great. I expected to be in the hole once everything was said and done.

I think one of the best things about our tour were the people we traveled with. I knew 2 of the art girls already, but we were just kind of thrown into the trip with the band, all of whom (except for tim of course) we'd never really met before. I don't know why I'd never talked to any of them before, since I've been to my fair share of Tim shows before, but who knows. Needless to say, we all clicked and had a great time. The boys were so much fun, Ethan and Ted were my favorites. It was so great to just hang out with people I'm not always around, and with males - there's a whole lot of estrogen in my usual social circles.

A very important part of tour was the time for retrospection it gave me. I realized some pretty heart-breaking things about myself and the people around me (especially those who I've been close with in the past), and at times because of this I just feel more and more frustrated with myself because I've built up such massive walls, and I begin to fail utterly at any communication of my true feelings. I feel trapped inside my own head, and running away sounds like a great option. Anyone wanna move to Pittsburgh with me??

i wish i was a duck

I was walking along the path through NP's campus, and I happened to see a duck glide into the North Branch Rive.  I couldn't help but think how nice it must be to be a duck.  The only rules in life to follow are the rules of Nature (God), and they can basically do everything; fly, walk around, swim, eat lots of fish.  And you always have friends around, no matter how big the flock is.  Such a simple, uncomplicated life.

I don't know if I'm complicating my life in anyway, but I just can rid myself of this nagging pain.  I just feel like crying all the time, and I don't have anyone to talk to about it.  So I just keep thinking myself in circles.

I want something spectacular to happen to me.  Like a new love or a car crash.

life

just shoot me now.