friends can be let-downs

so milwaukee was fun... it wasn't as traumatic as i thought it would be. of course i became irritated with my family at many points, so i wasn't all that sad to ditch them at the ferry depot. from there i drove to craig's apartment west of the downtown. i pulled in, and there he was. he looked the same and yet very different... harsher than i remember, though i've gain weight since then so i'm like the chubby one now. but take it or leave it. i really wonder what was going on in that head of his, but i've been wondering that for 2 years now.

needless to say, we had a good visit. i still feel very comfortable with him; we've always gotten along well, it's never been awkward. i was incredibly nervous at first though, and i'm not totally sure why. i think part of it was revisiting all of those emotions again. the good was really good, and the bad was really bad. luckily, he admits he was an asshole, which i appreciate. and i gave him enough shit about it so i am fully satisfied with where we are now. after all, i'm sure both of us have grown up a heck of a lot, so you would think it would show.

even now, i still feel a tangle of emotions over him, and probably with my current situations, and even a pinch of me still wishes for those old days....



and yes, why did i title this entry so? instead of planning my life around boys or family, i somewhere along the way thought it would be a good decision to plan my life around my friends. but what let downs they can be! it make me envy those who live alone. perhaps, craig, i'll follow in your footsteps after all...

pre-milwaukee

So this weekend is going pretttty good. And the shit hasn't even hit the fan yet.

I'm going to milwaukee on monday with my brother and his wife, and i'm pretty excited. A) i get to spend time with my bro and his wife- who i absolutely love, she's so great. B) after i ditch my fam, i will meet up with craig... and "ex" who was an asshole back in the day, but who seems very friendly again. i can't quite think of why he would be so excited to see me, but hopefully it will turn out well.

I have to say, i'm even a little nervous for our reunion. he's an interesting guy, and all of my friend hate him because of his former duschebagness.. so much so that i'm ashamed to even say i'm going to see him when i'm in Milwaukee. But we shall see. I'll only be in Milwaukee monday night, so i'm thinking no matter what it should be pretty chill. we will hang out, see how much each of us has changed (or not...) and then part ways. it will be the perfect visit.

pitch a fork

i have to say, CocoRosie kind of soothes my soul, especially right now. i have just returned from my one and only day at pitchfork here in the city, and man what a day! it was a lot of fun, just extremely tiring. Caitlin and her bestie kate came up for the festival as a kind of post-birthday festation, so them, jerid and myself went down and mingled with the "indie" kids.

There were some great acts, !!! and Animal Collective where the most memorable, i even moshed a little bit here and there (my first time moshing!). the best was drinking the goose island IPA all day, starting about 1 or 2 pm. needless to say, by the time !!! got on, i was feeling my finest. sadly, i think i lost the most of my energy at that point so the rest of me moshed half-heartedly.

the moon is hanging so beautifully in the sky tonight, but my tired, dirty feet are thinking bed should come quickly, if not a little prematurely. Dylan M is in town tonight at Tor's, but i just don't have the energy! it's so sad.

i think tomorrow i may need a beach break after work. i've been hankering to get up to the loyola park beach ever since me and sarah "discovered" it... some metropolis coffee and a cat nap on the beach sounds like heaven right now.


good night moon
good night macchi
good night, coco and rosie.

el musica

man this blog is depressing... let's talk about something great: music!

life has been so musical lately. being on tour with Tim Lowly was of course a jam-packed music-fest, and it definetly has set the tone for life since. he played another show sunday night, and it was by far one of the best shows they've ever done. i had gotten so used to their tour sets that i kind of forgot what the whole band could actually sound like, and there was just something that night that clicked. they played at the elastic arts foundation, and the sound there was kick-ass... and maybe just the mood of the place helped too, but the whole band was really getting into the spirit and by the end of the show, the whole thing felt euphoric. plus tim has me, annie, and laura stand on the stage and "dance" for the encore since it was kind of like the closing show of tour.

we also made some more music friend this weekend. saturday annie and i went with ethan to see Controllar, and couple, Anat and Thomas, from amsterdam who kind of sounded like a fusion of radiohead and cocorosie, and their only instrument was a glove. they sounded awesome and it was such a unique experience to watch, plus they were just great people! they felt kind of like kindred spirits, so incredibly nice. they played again tuesday at Silvies, and i think they got a kick out of us being their instant groupies, haha... luckily they are coming back to chicago in august, so we will be able to hang out with them again before they go back to amsterdam. then after that i guess i'll just have to go to amsterdam to visit them. the sacrifices i have to make for friendship...lol...

this weekend we are celebrating Caitlin's birthday. she's coming with kate to chicago, and we're going to Pitchfork. i've heard good and bad things about Pitchfork, but there are some bands i'm really looking forward to seeing, and it's a good price for a music festival. plus it will be so great to see caitlin again, i've been missing all those kids. life after college is kind of lonely after all...

ok i must sleep now. i've consumed too much alcohol tonight to be still awake. though man could i go for a hot Dougs hot dog right about now....

Chiyo-ni

One of my many jobs is the Sweden Shop here in Chicago.  I've always like this job because it's laid-back and my coworkers and cliental are very pleasant.  

Today has started out as a rather slow Sunday morning, and after reading a short story from a book on the shelf ("Rose City" by David Ebershoff, very interesting), I spotted a card that I'd seen everyday I've worked here yet never really read.  It had on it a haiku by the Japanese poet Chiyo-ni:

Cool clear water

and fireflies that vanish

that is all there is...

I think maybe in my retrospective sadness of late, this haiku has reminds me of something that has been buzzing around my subconscious.  On tour, we would take walks in the darkness of whatever nature beauty we were around that day.  In a little town north of Syracuse, NY we were at the family farm of one of our band-mates.  We took a giant quilt (that traveled with us) out and we laid under the stars and watched fireflies - it was amazing.  Another night (or two) we walked around in complete night darkness, and throughout the landscape the fireflies glittered and it felt so mystical.  I caught fireflies as a kid, but for some reason they felt extra special to me on those dark tour nights.

Maybe it's the mystic of nature that has always fascinated me, maybe it is the fact that they seem to pop out of nowhere and shine for just a brief moment.  They seem to represent something for me, like some special proverb God is trying to hint to me... I can't explain it really...

"fireflies that vanish/ that is all there is..."

libra

so, i am a libra. my birthday is october 4, 1985, so i am a libra in the year of the bull. now i don't know what all this means, but i had a realization this evening. now before i explain it all, i must tell you about the recent revelation that everyone around me is a pices. and up until tonight, i was starting to feel a little left out because i was the only libra for miles. tonight it hit me that the meaning of libra is balance. my personality and being is meant to bring balance to the people around me so that there is a reasonable amount of peace and stability.

take the car ride home from tour; me stuck with 3 of the more intense personalities with us. i felt like fricken wendy with the lost boys. yet at the same time, because i am so not intense, i barely feel any intensity tension because i just laugh it off and poke fun.

my only question for the stars now is what happens when the balance becomes unbalanced?

tour

I recently went on tour with the Tim Lowly Ensemble, and it was such a great experience. I had almost no expectations about it before we left, and I was even getting a little nervous for it. But that fateful friday morning came and we all loaded up the little cars (an Echo and a Civic) and hit the road. First stop was Pittsburgh, which I am now convinced is my future home. We played a nice little show there, stayed the night at Danny B's place (poor guy had just gotten his wisdom teeth out!). Next stops were Warren, PA, Clinton/Syracuse NY, Boston, New York NY, Block Island RI, Washington DC, Philadelphia PA, and Forest/Bedford VA. Each place we played humble shows and were shown much generosity and hospitality. It was pretty exciting for me because I'd only ever been to Washington out of all our destinations. I was also the designated "merch girl" so my job was pretty simple, and we were able to fund all of our trip expenses using the profits from shows, which was pretty great. I expected to be in the hole once everything was said and done.

I think one of the best things about our tour were the people we traveled with. I knew 2 of the art girls already, but we were just kind of thrown into the trip with the band, all of whom (except for tim of course) we'd never really met before. I don't know why I'd never talked to any of them before, since I've been to my fair share of Tim shows before, but who knows. Needless to say, we all clicked and had a great time. The boys were so much fun, Ethan and Ted were my favorites. It was so great to just hang out with people I'm not always around, and with males - there's a whole lot of estrogen in my usual social circles.

A very important part of tour was the time for retrospection it gave me. I realized some pretty heart-breaking things about myself and the people around me (especially those who I've been close with in the past), and at times because of this I just feel more and more frustrated with myself because I've built up such massive walls, and I begin to fail utterly at any communication of my true feelings. I feel trapped inside my own head, and running away sounds like a great option. Anyone wanna move to Pittsburgh with me??